Yesterday, I gave a ride to a man who confessed he’d just signed divorce papers. His wife had had an emotional affair with another man, and he couldn’t forgive her for it. He’d come to Hawaii to heal and perhaps meet someone new. But underneath his hurt and the rejection that his wife fell in love with someone else, was there a sense of shame he didn’t want to face? Did he not love her well, leaving her hungry and emotionally vulnerable? Without learning from HIS breaches of love, could he launch into another relationship well, or would he just repeat the same mistakes? Perhaps, if he’d been willing to listen to how she felt and made right the part he played in her vulnerability, he’d not only bring healing to her but to himself as well. Maybe then, he could forgive her. If he put the effort into forgiving and loving his wife that he now wanted to put into a new relationship, would they form an even better relationship with their mutual history?

Like the person who jumps in his car and ignores the squealing or clunking sound in the motor, assuming his car will run flawlessly without any attention, we take for granted those closest to us. Sometimes, like this man, we do this until it’s too late. Unless we learn to listen, not just to the words our sweetie says, but to the feelings behind it, we don’t really know them. And they don’t feel known . . . or loved. There’s a magic question you can ask when your spouse is sharing something they seem to have deep feelings about. Ask them, “Is there more?” And then listen.